When I began my journey in faith with some earnestness, I looked to the heroes of the faith...my pastor, or that other pastor, or anybody out there who had some degree of Christian success for some insight in how to be Christian, mainly develop my spirituality.
I could see where others had not put much work on it who were close to me and I would look across to find folks and listen to them. In books that spoke of their ideals, they would provide rules and somesuch. I would follow the patterns and then...after awhile find myself outside of the pattern. Then I would feel guilty, I am not a good enough Christian...yada yada. It was a great way to be self defeated.
A few years ago, I began picking up Thomas Merton's journals. Merton was a monk in Kentucky. I began reading his journals and learning that this spiritual giant was not really that tall. He struggled with his faith and life in a monastery. He had issues with his Abbot. I then began reading some of the old masters, Augustine, Luther, and Julian. They had struggles as well. They also taught me a valuable lesson, quit comparing yourself to others. Does it matter who is holier than....?
So, I became at ease in those moments of dryness in my life. When I had a dark night of the soul. I began to realize that these moments were a natural part of spiritual growth. There will be moments when prayer will be easy and when it will not. There will be moments when I want to be confronted by God and there will be times when I do not want to encounter the divine. None of this makes me less in the eyes of my savior. It makes me more human, more dependent upon the love of God.
So, I thank the folks who released Merton's personal journals, because without those deep insights from a sojourner on the way, I might still think that I have to be perfect in my faith.
joy,
guido
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