Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Waiting for salvation

For my devotional time, I use a book called "A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants." I have had the book since 1995. I bought it, because it looked cool and simplistic to me. A leather book with a cross on the front. Yeah, I am bit of simpleton...I have bought CD's because of the cover art...oiy bad mistakes.
It is a book that is divided by weekly topics. I have picked up the book off and on throughout my ministry. It is a good friend who does not need constant attention.
Today, the reading was Psalm 25. The Psalmist said this.
"You are the God of my Salvation
I wait for you all day long."
I have been thinking about that. Here is this guy who is has this faith that God will save him, but it has not happened yet. There is no proof, only faith. In my own life, I have thought how I have kept faith even when my salvation has been very far away or even at times when I did not know if I would ever be saved. However, I kept believing and living as if it would or had. Does that make those of us who believe that faith is important hypocrites? I believe in God's goodness even though I have no proof.
In the midst of my own addiction, I prayed for salvation. I preached and believed, but was never assured. I would pray, "You are a good God, and I am waiting for you." I think those who struggle with addictions of all sorts have that feeling of waiting. This is destroying my life, but God is not present. I think what I have learned on this side of my life is this, 'I need to say that God will save and I need to live as it has happened.' Faking it until you make it.
So, I just wanted to share what a friend, a leather bound book shared with me today.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Somewhere this life of faith is about courage in the face of fear.
I have had a great deal of fear. Fearful about failing. Fearful about reaching out. Fearful about what others will think about me. Yada Yada. Somewhere in Garland there is a box of courage that I left behind. I felt it was a courageous move for me to go work at Jos. A Bank. It was admitting that life had gone astray and that I was rebuilding myself. I felt courageous in CPE. I felt courageous in accepting the move.

So, I was at an open 12 step meeting and one of the guys dropped 46 f bombs and basically said, "To be sober is not to be phony. You can fake it and go smoke weed, but I am not one of those folks. You have to find God or you will be in the same f###ing place you are now." It was one hell of a sermon and it convicted me. I have to remember how far I have come. I have to remember that I am doing this for the gospel and that Jesus walks with me. I have to remember that it matters not what anyone thinks, but it matters what Jesus thinks. I have to give this all up, so I can gain serenity, courage and wisdom.

So, as my 12 stepping friend said, "Quit f---ing around if don't want to f----ing do this get out."
I am in, all in.